Keys of Communication...

Please let me preface this by saying if you think you may be offended by the talk of sex please just skip over this blog, but it's a pretty big one.

For a couple weeks (ok maybe close to a month now), I've been feeling extremely disconnected from Shane. There were a couple reasons to why I was feeling this way but Monday it just all came together. I know I've said before that by playing his video games with him it helps the connection. However, the video game idea only lasted so long as we'd play together and half way through he'd leave to go play with his guild friends. If you don't understand "guild friends" let me quickly explain. A guild in his game is a group of people who play together to get the important parts of the game finished in a relative time frame and usually on set days (Tuesday and Thursday). One huge detail about guilds is that they are people from all over some friends some not. Shane on the other hand has found a way to make all of these people, whom he only knows from the game then adding them on facebook, into his "real" friends. This includes never leaving the house with the boys or me and turning down every sort of plan we may come up with. Their Tuesday/Thursday raids have turned into daily activities lasting at least two hours on the game.

Well then other things in our relationship began dwindling aside from him spending time with me. I'd just sit in the room while he played his game mostly ignored while he talked to his "friends" and the stupid chat is always on in our room so it was like never being alone and having 50 voices talk to you but not seeing their faces. Along with that sex totally bombed in our relationship. He used to be all about it while I was stuck in that point of girlhood where you aren't sure if you should do it even if it's just with one guy because you feel like you'll still be judged. It was an awkward time all I'd do was make some excuse about God when it wasn't that it was just me not wanting to be seen as a slut. Now I've come to realize that when you aren't having sex when you have before you lose that physical connection and something just seems wrong. It's like well if he's not doing it with me what is he doing?

The lack of time and lack of sex that used to be so important to him only lead me to think in one direction... he must be cheating?! BUT WHEN?! He never leaves the house so how in the world would he be cheating. Well he spends lots of time on that game he must be cheating with one of them right... oh how odd it all ends up. The things we muster up in our little heads, our imaginations fly. And boy did my imagination fly! I finally burst and couldn't hold it in anymore. I talked to Rory first and started crying to Rory. I kinda felt like an idiot but it helped and Rory told me I needed to tell Shane everything I'd told him... so the story goes...

I got home from work and immediately sat down and said we need to talk... I knew he'd get defensive and mad. So all day I continued to convince myself it wasn't my fault as well as come up with everything I could to back myself up. I just came out with it everything I said earlier about him not having sex with me anymore and spending so much time on his game. I told him he needed human interaction and it wasn't like me to just sit around. The thing that really came out strong though was when I told him that in a month all my friends are leaving and it was scary and hard for me to know that in a month I'd have no one but my mom... I told him he had to be there for me and fill that void of friends because you don't just go out and suddenly meet those close friends.

After some diliberations and me telling him that I used to think we'd be together forever but now I wonder because I know I can't live how we are forever. We finally got it all figured out... he came out with the fact that he is bored of the games but doesn't know what else to do. So I told him when me or the boys suggest something to just go do it instead of coming up with an excuse or saying well I don't think I'll like that... How do you know if you'll like something if you don't try!? I don't understand that. I told him he's too busy pleasing his parents or virtual friends that he's let go of the real ones like Rory and Josh and Me. I told him if it didn't change I couldn't stay and he needed to stop feeling guilty about saying no to his parents and virtual friends but not the people who truly matter (aside from his parents but he also needs to realize he's not obligated to his parents nor are his parents obligated to him). Rory and Josh may stay around even if he says no all the time, but I won't. I'm different than a buddy, it's a give and take thing and if he's not giving as well I can't do it.

He understood and was actually in an awesome mood for the rest of the night... I know he says he'll fix it but the trick now is will it really change? I'm still real nervous about the situation because if it doesn't change I'm leaving and that scares me because despite it all I still love him VERY much!