Keys of Communication...

Please let me preface this by saying if you think you may be offended by the talk of sex please just skip over this blog, but it's a pretty big one.

For a couple weeks (ok maybe close to a month now), I've been feeling extremely disconnected from Shane. There were a couple reasons to why I was feeling this way but Monday it just all came together. I know I've said before that by playing his video games with him it helps the connection. However, the video game idea only lasted so long as we'd play together and half way through he'd leave to go play with his guild friends. If you don't understand "guild friends" let me quickly explain. A guild in his game is a group of people who play together to get the important parts of the game finished in a relative time frame and usually on set days (Tuesday and Thursday). One huge detail about guilds is that they are people from all over some friends some not. Shane on the other hand has found a way to make all of these people, whom he only knows from the game then adding them on facebook, into his "real" friends. This includes never leaving the house with the boys or me and turning down every sort of plan we may come up with. Their Tuesday/Thursday raids have turned into daily activities lasting at least two hours on the game.

Well then other things in our relationship began dwindling aside from him spending time with me. I'd just sit in the room while he played his game mostly ignored while he talked to his "friends" and the stupid chat is always on in our room so it was like never being alone and having 50 voices talk to you but not seeing their faces. Along with that sex totally bombed in our relationship. He used to be all about it while I was stuck in that point of girlhood where you aren't sure if you should do it even if it's just with one guy because you feel like you'll still be judged. It was an awkward time all I'd do was make some excuse about God when it wasn't that it was just me not wanting to be seen as a slut. Now I've come to realize that when you aren't having sex when you have before you lose that physical connection and something just seems wrong. It's like well if he's not doing it with me what is he doing?

The lack of time and lack of sex that used to be so important to him only lead me to think in one direction... he must be cheating?! BUT WHEN?! He never leaves the house so how in the world would he be cheating. Well he spends lots of time on that game he must be cheating with one of them right... oh how odd it all ends up. The things we muster up in our little heads, our imaginations fly. And boy did my imagination fly! I finally burst and couldn't hold it in anymore. I talked to Rory first and started crying to Rory. I kinda felt like an idiot but it helped and Rory told me I needed to tell Shane everything I'd told him... so the story goes...

I got home from work and immediately sat down and said we need to talk... I knew he'd get defensive and mad. So all day I continued to convince myself it wasn't my fault as well as come up with everything I could to back myself up. I just came out with it everything I said earlier about him not having sex with me anymore and spending so much time on his game. I told him he needed human interaction and it wasn't like me to just sit around. The thing that really came out strong though was when I told him that in a month all my friends are leaving and it was scary and hard for me to know that in a month I'd have no one but my mom... I told him he had to be there for me and fill that void of friends because you don't just go out and suddenly meet those close friends.

After some diliberations and me telling him that I used to think we'd be together forever but now I wonder because I know I can't live how we are forever. We finally got it all figured out... he came out with the fact that he is bored of the games but doesn't know what else to do. So I told him when me or the boys suggest something to just go do it instead of coming up with an excuse or saying well I don't think I'll like that... How do you know if you'll like something if you don't try!? I don't understand that. I told him he's too busy pleasing his parents or virtual friends that he's let go of the real ones like Rory and Josh and Me. I told him if it didn't change I couldn't stay and he needed to stop feeling guilty about saying no to his parents and virtual friends but not the people who truly matter (aside from his parents but he also needs to realize he's not obligated to his parents nor are his parents obligated to him). Rory and Josh may stay around even if he says no all the time, but I won't. I'm different than a buddy, it's a give and take thing and if he's not giving as well I can't do it.

He understood and was actually in an awesome mood for the rest of the night... I know he says he'll fix it but the trick now is will it really change? I'm still real nervous about the situation because if it doesn't change I'm leaving and that scares me because despite it all I still love him VERY much!

Bad Weather Turned to Good Mood and Being a Part of It

Today I woke up in dimay over yet another blizzard. You'd think after so long of non stop snow throughout my life and extremely short summers that I'd be used to this. However, everytime I wake up to 8 inches of snow and snow still coming down it puts me in a mood to just know that I still have to go out in it anyway. God forbid Laramie cancel anything when it's dangerous to have high school students and people who's cars are covered in snow out driving. After checking email, the news, and my mom's knowledge I found school still wasn't canceled and began my journey.

My car decided it was too cold to start and wouldn't have gotten over the mound of hard snow the city created anyway (Shane says I probably locked my wheel and my ignition wasn't frozen). Last night Shane told me I could take his car, so I started it hoping it would warm. However, I forgot that his truck doesn't get warm unless moving and none of the snow on it melted. It then took me 10 minutes to get the snow off his truck because it's too tall for me to reach the center of the windshield and I was slipping and sliding EVERYWHERE!!!! I finally got to class just on time to be given the worst retake exam of my life!!!!! Open book doesn't count when I can't freaking find the answers! I've never been so mad at a professor in my life and being soaking wet probably didn't help the situation. After much frustration I decided I was finished with school for the day and went home.

Got home and decided that my house and boyfriend were much better than being outside in the snow. Shane made it better by taking me to work. So now here I am in the warm shop waiting for the day to be over... Needless to say I have an awesome boyfriend and have gotten into a much better mood!!

Add on from yesterday. While at work I got a call from a kid in California who needs a tux for a Cathedral Home reunion. I talked him through everything then told him I could order it all over the phone and all would be well. I asked for his name and told him I'd call him with some more details today! When he told me his name it clicked that I knew this boy from when I worked at LYCC. He quickly realized who I was as well and got all excited to tell me what he's been doing. He said he's going to school and getting ready to start football. He seemed so happy to have a familiar voice to talk to. The situation made my day to realize that I was part of that. I was part of him coming out on top and being able to overcome his problems.

I don't think I could ever work as a Social Worker and do all that again because it is really hard the things you hear and see. It's a big reality shock to know that those horror stories you hear on the news really do happen to kids that are closer than you think. I never saw much of a reward in it, but now that these kids are growing up and I'm hearing how much they've changed the reward has come. It's awesome to know that you helped someone who was at the point in their life where they had no one else left or just didn't seem like they were going to change.

My Best Friend

I met my best friend long long ago when I was just a baby so meeting her is really nothing special there was no ahha moment it just happened that way. We grew up together until about 8th grade mostly fighting and competeing at who was better. When I was 5 I was pissed that Mo could ride a bike and I couldn't so I taught myself... around the same time I was mad I couldn't write my ABC's and she could so I locked myself in my room with a magnadoodle and some books and also taught myself those.

In about 6th grade Mo and I got into a bad fist fight at school, I don't remember why probably another one of our competitions. Unfortunately, at that point Mo's parents sent her to the Junior High instead of Prep and we grew apart rather quickly. We still swam together but we never talked. Through Junior High we didn't see each other since our parents had also grown apart and we no longer went to the same school. In high school, it was almost like neither of us existed to each other (however now I realize that was much my fault since it hurt Mo's feelings). I went to Mo's graduation party and we spoke but it just wasn't the same. I missed her entire EXTREMELY rough first year of college where her dad was diagnosed with MS and her mom Ovarion Cancer. I totally missed it all because I was so wrapped up in figuring out my own world and had made her feel like I didn't care to know. Mo then got engaged to a total asshole and asked my sisters and I to be in her wedding, she started Mary Kay, moved away, and all the while I was wrapped up in my life. Then... something amazing happened...

Cam (also Mo, really Cameo) had left her POS ex and was newly engaged to Mark. I'm not sure how it all began us talking again, just one day we did. We went to lunch at Lovejoy's and I got my job at MVB which totally excited her! Suddenly we couldn't go a day without talking and I was doing all I could to help with her wedding. We hung out as much as possible (usually once or twice a week) eating dinner, playing cards, or playing with hair. It's all been a blur since we started talking again sometime in late January. Although moving all her stuff out of her apartment in Denver was a blast!

Today I took Cam to the airport and almost cried. It was like the beginning of realization that this whole wedding between her and Mark is real and they really are moving away to California (ha funny that's where Chels moved upon my 2nd time of making her cry). She's only gone for three weeks this time, but then after the wedding it's for good. I hate it because I haven't had a friend like this in forever. One that responds to my messages no matter what and makes the effort to see me and can't go days without seeing me. She's just too good of a friend and sometimes I don't feel adaquete enough for her. She spoils the heck out of me because she knows that I'm a poor college student. She does things like buy me nails, lunch, dinner, breakfast, everything is on her! I try my best to be a good friend by taking her to the airport and picking her up or doing her hair for her wedding... all that I can that doesn't cost me too much. She's just the most amazing best friend and I'm so glad that after all we've been through we are now closer than ever and don't look at the stupid business from before. Now all it's all funny!

Hopefully she'll see this when she gets to Cali and will know that I really do appreciate EVERYTHING she does for me!

Raining in April

I have not seen this much rain since last year when I went to Chicago, but it's been raining all day here as well as Sunday. Lots and lots of rain for Wyoming. I've come to terms with the fact that my dumb professor is going to make me take that stupid retake exam. Although I'm still pissed about it.

It's been forever since I wrote but I honestly just haven't had anything going on... its been a blah past couple days of getting over my viral sore throat and spending oodles of time with family. Not that spending time with family is bad because it isn't.

Really not sure what else to talk about right now lol just wanted to get something in here so it didn't look like I was neglecting it!

College Frustrations

So my Wyoming History teacher is such a dope! He administered a take home constitution exam and stated that we couldn't work togeter. Well what the heck did he think was going to happen that people wouldn't cheat?!?! Come on people cheat in class what makes you think that they won't cheat when not monitored! Well upon grading his test he realized that in his pile alone there were 3 sets of identical tests. So instead of just punishing those involved he make EVERYONE take a retake test and makes the 2nd and 3rd exam combined! Ugh I'm so frustrated! I spent 8 hours on that test and I feel like my time is totally wasted since I get zero credit for it. I know others feel this way as well so I wrote him an email:

I'm sure you are now getting a flood of emails over the constitution exam mishap. I have no intentions to be rude and honestly have no problem doing the multiple choice open book test and I feel like it may be a good compromise for the problem. However, as a take home test it is impossible to believe people won't cheat. Also because it was a test administered to all of the class on a very narrow subject it is possible that many answers would come out similar. Now word for word or paraphrased tests are unacceptable I agree. Yet, I do feel that by making all of the students retake a test that most spent days working on (it took me two full nights to complete it) is unfair. I now feel like I wasted all that time on the test and having to retake it is somewhat of a burden when I am getting no credit for something that made me stress out so much! I feel that only the students that have identical or obviously paraphrased off of each other tests should be the ones that retake it or if not receive a zero. That is academic dishonesty and the truely fair thing to do would be to first off never do it as a take home in the future but for those that did email it to each other (as I heard individuals in class stating they had done) should receive zeros. But those who really did work hard on their own should not be punished with the stress of a new test.

Sorry if this comes across rude, I just wanted my opinion on the matter to be known. Like I said, if you feel my individual test matches anyone elses I would have no problem taking the open book mulitple choice test since I feel that I should know that material by now. However, I would rather no have yet another worry of a test (which I admit yours are hard even as a Laramie citizen my whole life).

Thanks for your time, Sincerely, Keileigh Stibitz

First of all I was very polite in the way I put it and I thought that maybe something else could be done. I got my opinion out there and I guess that is all the matters but I sent that on Wednesday, it is now two days later and still no response! UGH I hate him!

School...

So I made it to the Dr. yesterday and she said it's a "viral sore throat." So annoying, she gave me some pain meds for it and that's about all she can do. If it doesn't stop by Friday then she can prescribe something. It's weird cuz my throat is mostly tight sore not itchy sore. Either way is terribly annoying though.

I've been working all day again today cuz Amanda is sick too :( its just not a good week for either of us! And it's only Tuesday lol. The exciting part about today though is my mom and I are going to pick up our treadmill!!! WOOT! Unfortunately I can't use it due to not being able to breath when I'm not doing anything lol. I also got all my test back today. Two C's and an A. Not very happy about the C's but school is just no longer a priority in my life. I know there's more important things than racking out my brain and stressing out for something that I wont' really use. Only 17 more months (not including vacations) and I'm done. I can't really count all the time off, techniqully I'm only in school for 4 months at a time, so two years of 8 months including this one and I'm done! Ha it's easier to think of it that way than 2 years!

Just gotta continue to be positive about that pain in the butt they call school. Now I'm off to get my treadmill and go to the store, hopefully by the time I'm done packing that all around the store wont be so busy!

Sisterly Love

So today I did absolutely nothing and it was nice! Unfortunately, I'm sick and I'm getting a little worried I'll have to get my tonsels out because they've been swollen for about two months. I hear the older you are the worse it is on your body to do that and the recovery time is longer! I cannot stay outta work that long, we'll see I'm going to get to the doctor Tuesday or Wednesday...

My sister left today and it kinda bummed me out. I feel like her and I haven't ever been as close as we are now, however, we never talk to each other while she's gone. I got to spend almost every night with her this week and we had so much fun. Although we did get into a fight Wednesday night (possibly my fault I was irritable and grouchy). I think I've come to realize that if we weren't sisters I don't think we'd be friends. We're so so SO different from each other from how we look to our views that I think through blood we've been forced to be friends. I love her therefore we've also been forced to agree to disagree on almost all aspects of life! She is the kind of person that is outgoing, talkative, likes everyone, and is all about getting out and seeing the world! I am the type of person that would rather stay home, let strangers talk to me, very judgemental, and stay close to my family. My grandma says that she'll come home... ha she's only fooling herself, after being in Portland and Italy and having a career as a pastry chef, the last thing my sister will do is come back here.

Well as I said earlier I'm sick so I gotta get off to bed before my throat explodes!

Elton John

Stupid blizzards makes me mad lol!

So last night I went to see Elton John and it was awesome! I love his music over the radio but in person he's just amazing! His voice is so different but in a good way. He is one of the few people that is better live. He played Rocket Man of course and suprisinly I teared up but never cried! That is a huge feet for me, my mom and sister cried and I have no clue why I didn't. Maybe I've actually come to terms with Grandpa dying although I don't want to. I miss him a lot. I miss having someone to talk to that's interested in what I'm interested in but knows what he's talking about! Don't get me wrong I'm glad I didn't cry.

Hm... for some reason I have nothing left to say. I'm beat from so many late nights lol. Not used to it!

Miserable Bandwagon and Seperate Lives

So I didn't finish yesterday but oh well. I guess that was just saying that was enough complaining for the day and it didn't really matter anyway. Plus, I'm getting so tired of everyone complaining to me. I'm really on this kick of find what's good in your day and run with it! I can't get stuck behind on the bandwagon of unhappiness and miserableness with everyone else. I may have little to nothing left over at the end of the month and work my bum off in order to barely make my bills, but I LOVE my jobs! I have a blast everytime I go to work and have met some awesome people and that is well worth the fact that I hardly make money. Plus, money is not the root of our existence. I love my family and friends and I love the people I have in my life. Sure I had a really crappy last couple of days but even with Shane being broken, he still managed to make me smile and taking care of him made me feel good about our relationship.

Speaking of Shane, I have come to find some awesome things about us. Apparently he and my sister talked Saturday whil eI was talking to Devon about his life and Taylie. She asked him how we were doing and he said great, that we had our seperate but together lives. It makes me feel wonderful that he is able to tell other people about us and he's positive about our relationship. I went through a silly kick at the beginning of the week where I thought he still wanted to see other people. Then I talked to him about it and he told me I was plenty for him and that I was being silly and he was good with me. Funny cuz I had no evidence to why I was feeling this way, but I was. However, it was nice that instead of just telling me I was dumb he laughed his way through it with me calming my nerves and not making me feel like an idiot for bringing it up. I also really enjoy having our seperate lives. I feel it helps with our trust to not always be together but still have time for each other. It makes me realize he wants me and no one else as well and that he trusts me. It also makes for the time we really do spend together special and not just the same old thing.

Well not much else for today, we're celebrating my mom and Jocelyn's birthday tonight and I really hope we have a good time. By mom's been really down lately.

So sometimes a girl just has to complain. I haven't wrote for the past couple days because the past couple days have been ridiculously horrible! I finally today finished my 3rd and last test of the week and while I don't think it was a failer, it was in no means an A. The first question along with some others (mind you think is math) threw me off so bad. I changed my answer on one question which linked to another 3 times alone, I also changed my answer on 2 questions once, AND this doesn't add to the fact that I couldn't even remember how to do the first question! On top of that I feel like I'm getting a flu/stomach bug so I've had a killer headache all day. Monday was slightly better I had one test and was able to study all day. I also took care of Shane then worked from 430 until 930. Tuesday was a MESS!!! I took my test at 930 then went to work from 1030 until 930 with an hour break. PLUS the people we were doing the event for were 45 minutes late! Pushing the dinner back and I was starving. On the plus side not everyone showed up that was expected so Ben gave us all the extra steak and Salmon. That was way good!